Nothing goes right..

I begin to think that I'm not that lucky.. everything seem to fall in the wrong place.. scattered everywhere.. I feel like I couldn't handle it anymore.. I could pretend that I'm okay.. I laugh when I'm telling stories.. I smile when my friends seem to worry.. but when the night comes I will start to breath heavily..

Home that doesn't feel like one.. doesn't feel convenient (at all).. Got me thinking where to go and hide.. Marriage that doesn't look and feel like one.. barely see my husband lately..

Demand that is coming from everywhere.. ask me to do this and that as if they can't do it themselves.. and when I ask for something they will turn over as if they don't really see me..

Friends who doesn't act like one.. Yesterday, my friends and I were talking about hanging out because I need their companion.. and today, some of them ditch me out and the rest wanted to change the plan.. I started to think that they see me as nothing.. I try hard to always be there for them when needed, but I got this as a return.. Even when I wanna be alone, I need to pretend listening to others because I don't want to offend them..

And all I can do is to hold it inside, trying not to let it out..

my sister was right, I should put myself first before others no matter what they say.. If I was able to do that, I wouldn't get hurt like this.. I'm losing my mind..

Help me, God..

it's killing me inside..

I'm not sure that I can work things out.. he's still with his ego and consider me as nothing.. my pride doesn't allow this to happen.. My sis told me to calm down first and take some time to think and even make a list of do and dont.. One big question that keep hanging around in my mind is whether we are on the same page here or not.. coz he doesnt seem to.. the biggest problem with the cheater is they intend to make same mistake.. it's like an addiction.. Am I ready to go through same condition in the future? If I eliminate it right now, will there any guarantee that other won't do the same?

If I close my eyes now, what would happen next? Ya Allah.. this pain and this thought are killing me inside.. I couldnt let my self dying inside.. I need to recover soon.. no matter what it takes.. I need to convince my self.. He is nothing to me.. anymore..

Take it or leave it..

that was what he told me.. am not gonna take it neither leave it.. I'm much more smarter than that.. I'm now in no position to decide anything.. but I'm gathering my strenght to take a bigger step.. whatever will be, will be..

I dont wanna shed more tears.. I just need to think and act like a man.. be brave Lupie.. it's a life lesson.. I need to get over it soon.. be strong!

It's broken..

I'm wondering why people can make same mistake over and over again.. is it because they dont wanna learn or because they're too stupid to learn? either way I hate the result comes out of it..

then I realize.. maybe it's not love.. it's just habit.. because we've been together for so long and now he's considering me as his habit.. sucks, isn't it?

how could he cheated on me? he even told her that she made him the luckiest man alive.. what am I then? the damn woman alive? do I need to suck it up? should I take some time off? I need to think it over.. my headache and my heartache are killing me..

singing..

Tahukah kamu.. semalam tadi.. aku menangis..

lagi lebay sak lebay lebay nya... I was pretending to be okay (and still am).. but sometimes I just need to let it out.. abis nyesek banget.. tapi klo udah keluar ya abis itu udah biasa lagi.. udah cuek lagi.. udah nyantai lagi.. and udah ketawa2 lagi...

alhamdulillah nya banyak temen yang bisa diajakin ngobrol, diajakin hang out.. bahkan dijadiin tempat pelarian.. hihihihi...

but sometimes I can't hide the stress.. My body will start aching at some parts.. my neck hurts for no reason.. have headache and migraine, etc... gee.. I need to relax my muscle.. :(

lucky me, I still can make free phone calls so I won't be lonely.. it's almost 2 months lho.. gile ajee.. coba aja yang lain.. pasti udah ngamuk2.. udah ngancem2.. udah pasang muka World War 3.. cuman kadang mikir juga, jangan2 krn gw keliatan nyantai jadi malah digampangin? hufttt... auk ah.. bodo amat.. intinya sih males mikir aja..

eh tapi, kmrn aku dpt telpon dr temen lama.. udh ga ketemu sekitar 5-6 tahunan gitu deh.. lumayan lama juga telpnya.. jadi bisa ketawa2.. trus abis itu buka youtube and cari2 clip OVJ Iwak Peyek.. kocak banget deh.. mpe ngakak2 ndiri di kantor.. mpe pada bingung ngliatin aku..

trus tadi pagi kebetulan bisa chatting n telp ma temen smp ku juga.. and aku sedikit belajar dari kejadian yg lg dia alamin.. harus lebih banyak bersyukur, yg masalahnya jauh lebih berat drpd aku masih buanyaaakkkk bangetttt... cuman jgn kelamaan donk...

aku jd kangen deh... eh trus aku telp Vini, ngajakin ke medan, dia ga mau.. sebellllll...

tadi pas telp kocak deh.. kan aku tanya: kmu lg dmn? dia jawab: lg di hati kamu.. trus aku tanya lagi: kamu nanti plg kantor mo kmn? doi blg: pulang kerumahlah, emang knp? aku jwb: jangan plg kerumah, pulang ke hatiku aja... hahahahahaha... parahhh.. kebanyakan nonton Jessica ma Andre... ga jelasssss...

anyways.. hal2 begitu jadi bkn aku terhibur.. alhamdulillah msh bisa ketawa ketiwi ma temen2.. senangnyahhhhhhhh...

Azza azza fighting!

Weird Thing..

Happens to my cellphone for the last 3 - 4 weeks.. I've made lots of phone calls to my sis and my best friend in US and also my friends here in Indo... no matter what provider they're using.. no matter how long the phone calls last.. it doesn't effect my credit.. my pulsa stays the same..

It's fun but a bit weird.. Vini even used it to call her parent on the land line, but still no cost..

Love my chip!

Now, the question is.. who should I call next? :P

Quotes of the day..

Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible consequences, quite apart from any fluctuations that went before—consequences that are hardly ever confined to ourselves.

George Eliot (1819-1880)

It's true.. been told by mom that S-i-L is messing up over and over again.. my reaction to that was totally out of control.. I know I dont have the right to say anything, but when I think of mom and dad, and also Q n A, I'm so ready to bring it on.. I dont wanna cross my line, somehow, but she's just too much.. I warned MB before about how things should be done, but they just simply following up their ego and not considering about others..

I understand that I'm not in that stage yet.. but at least I know how to compromise.. aren't they adult? aren't they growing up yet? If I was to give up, I wouldn't give a damn about what's going on.. but it involves mom n dad.. how am I suppose to ignore my mom n dad? I cant, no matter how hard I try.. Mom n Dad are the most two valuable in my life.. I wouldn't allow anyone hurting their feelings.. not even my sibling or his spouse.. I should take some time to think it over.. Hope I can find the best way to solve this shit..