Friend failure

I have the will to please anyone.. 'We aim to please", said Christian Grey (quotes from the novel I recently read: "Fifty Shades of Grey") but not that kind of "please", of course..
When a friend in need I would do everything I could to help.. but sometimes they just failed to see that..

and yes this morning it happened to me. 

My very dear friend, whom I love (by the way), brought out all of the negative energy inside me. She succeeded to make a big failure that swipe my smile away of my face and turned it into a frown face. Great job! 

She's always asking me to stand up for her.. and when I do that, she easily throw me out without reservation. NICE!
Even she apologized right after, the wound won't disappear right away.. 
I told her that she really needs to start listen to others! You are living in a community not in your own-sweet-fairy-tale-world. You can't expect people to do something for you and then give a scar in the heart as a return..  

My other friend suggested me to re-discuss the issue and literally asking me to teach her.. Who am I to teach someone? What am I? 
With the hurt, I only replied that I don't want to talk, teach and babysit her again. 
It's not on my job desk anyway.. 

Well.. hopefully this writing will let go my anger..
i need to find my peace...

PEACE YO!

last night..

I didnt sign up for this.. It turns upside down.. Been away from God since then... Is this my punishment? I dont think so..

Am not comfortable at all.. I need to find a way out.. Whether to accept everything unconditionally or fight for a change.. But what kind of change do I after? Is it for better or worse? Hopefully for better.. But what if i make a wrong decision again? Can i still crawl up? Damn.. Its really confusing.. When all of my dark thought appear, i need to neglect it.. Even i scared of it! I once said that ignorance is the best way to deal with my problems.. But it has reached to some point that i couldnt even be one.. I just wanna sleep.. But its hard for me even to close my eyes.. I really need to clear up my mind... How? Good question.. First of all, sleep... 

My trips..

Went to Phuket for third times.. Got to visit several places.. I had fun all the time.. (Jun 6 - 10)

Then my sister (finally) spent Lebaran with us after almost 12 years and we shared the laughter and joy with the whole family.. precious.. (Aug 16 - Sept 2)

At first I felt reluctant to visit KL.. but my husband and friends forced me to join them.. Alhamdulillah it went well and I was happy.. (Oct 5 -7)

And last week I visited Yogya and Solo on Islamic New Year.. the theme was eat and eat :P
(Nov 15-17)

and more trip to come...

2 vows..

1. I swear I will never forget about this day.. the day when I have to beg only for f****ng tax* Mo***!!!! I promise my self that I have to stand on my own.. never ask and never GIVE!!!! I feel like I'm loosing my pride only for that small amount! SH*T!!!! I did that not because I needed it.. I just want to check the willingness or the heart for sharing.. it's definitely NOT there! 

2. I promise my self that next week on my trip to Thailand, I will spend every moment in JOY! I wouldn't give a damn about anything else but pampering my self!!!

Nothing goes right..

I begin to think that I'm not that lucky.. everything seem to fall in the wrong place.. scattered everywhere.. I feel like I couldn't handle it anymore.. I could pretend that I'm okay.. I laugh when I'm telling stories.. I smile when my friends seem to worry.. but when the night comes I will start to breath heavily..

Home that doesn't feel like one.. doesn't feel convenient (at all).. Got me thinking where to go and hide.. Marriage that doesn't look and feel like one.. barely see my husband lately..

Demand that is coming from everywhere.. ask me to do this and that as if they can't do it themselves.. and when I ask for something they will turn over as if they don't really see me..

Friends who doesn't act like one.. Yesterday, my friends and I were talking about hanging out because I need their companion.. and today, some of them ditch me out and the rest wanted to change the plan.. I started to think that they see me as nothing.. I try hard to always be there for them when needed, but I got this as a return.. Even when I wanna be alone, I need to pretend listening to others because I don't want to offend them..

And all I can do is to hold it inside, trying not to let it out..

my sister was right, I should put myself first before others no matter what they say.. If I was able to do that, I wouldn't get hurt like this.. I'm losing my mind..

Help me, God..

it's killing me inside..

I'm not sure that I can work things out.. he's still with his ego and consider me as nothing.. my pride doesn't allow this to happen.. My sis told me to calm down first and take some time to think and even make a list of do and dont.. One big question that keep hanging around in my mind is whether we are on the same page here or not.. coz he doesnt seem to.. the biggest problem with the cheater is they intend to make same mistake.. it's like an addiction.. Am I ready to go through same condition in the future? If I eliminate it right now, will there any guarantee that other won't do the same?

If I close my eyes now, what would happen next? Ya Allah.. this pain and this thought are killing me inside.. I couldnt let my self dying inside.. I need to recover soon.. no matter what it takes.. I need to convince my self.. He is nothing to me.. anymore..

Take it or leave it..

that was what he told me.. am not gonna take it neither leave it.. I'm much more smarter than that.. I'm now in no position to decide anything.. but I'm gathering my strenght to take a bigger step.. whatever will be, will be..

I dont wanna shed more tears.. I just need to think and act like a man.. be brave Lupie.. it's a life lesson.. I need to get over it soon.. be strong!

It's broken..

I'm wondering why people can make same mistake over and over again.. is it because they dont wanna learn or because they're too stupid to learn? either way I hate the result comes out of it..

then I realize.. maybe it's not love.. it's just habit.. because we've been together for so long and now he's considering me as his habit.. sucks, isn't it?

how could he cheated on me? he even told her that she made him the luckiest man alive.. what am I then? the damn woman alive? do I need to suck it up? should I take some time off? I need to think it over.. my headache and my heartache are killing me..

singing..

Tahukah kamu.. semalam tadi.. aku menangis..

lagi lebay sak lebay lebay nya... I was pretending to be okay (and still am).. but sometimes I just need to let it out.. abis nyesek banget.. tapi klo udah keluar ya abis itu udah biasa lagi.. udah cuek lagi.. udah nyantai lagi.. and udah ketawa2 lagi...

alhamdulillah nya banyak temen yang bisa diajakin ngobrol, diajakin hang out.. bahkan dijadiin tempat pelarian.. hihihihi...

but sometimes I can't hide the stress.. My body will start aching at some parts.. my neck hurts for no reason.. have headache and migraine, etc... gee.. I need to relax my muscle.. :(

lucky me, I still can make free phone calls so I won't be lonely.. it's almost 2 months lho.. gile ajee.. coba aja yang lain.. pasti udah ngamuk2.. udah ngancem2.. udah pasang muka World War 3.. cuman kadang mikir juga, jangan2 krn gw keliatan nyantai jadi malah digampangin? hufttt... auk ah.. bodo amat.. intinya sih males mikir aja..

eh tapi, kmrn aku dpt telpon dr temen lama.. udh ga ketemu sekitar 5-6 tahunan gitu deh.. lumayan lama juga telpnya.. jadi bisa ketawa2.. trus abis itu buka youtube and cari2 clip OVJ Iwak Peyek.. kocak banget deh.. mpe ngakak2 ndiri di kantor.. mpe pada bingung ngliatin aku..

trus tadi pagi kebetulan bisa chatting n telp ma temen smp ku juga.. and aku sedikit belajar dari kejadian yg lg dia alamin.. harus lebih banyak bersyukur, yg masalahnya jauh lebih berat drpd aku masih buanyaaakkkk bangetttt... cuman jgn kelamaan donk...

aku jd kangen deh... eh trus aku telp Vini, ngajakin ke medan, dia ga mau.. sebellllll...

tadi pas telp kocak deh.. kan aku tanya: kmu lg dmn? dia jawab: lg di hati kamu.. trus aku tanya lagi: kamu nanti plg kantor mo kmn? doi blg: pulang kerumahlah, emang knp? aku jwb: jangan plg kerumah, pulang ke hatiku aja... hahahahahaha... parahhh.. kebanyakan nonton Jessica ma Andre... ga jelasssss...

anyways.. hal2 begitu jadi bkn aku terhibur.. alhamdulillah msh bisa ketawa ketiwi ma temen2.. senangnyahhhhhhhh...

Azza azza fighting!

Weird Thing..

Happens to my cellphone for the last 3 - 4 weeks.. I've made lots of phone calls to my sis and my best friend in US and also my friends here in Indo... no matter what provider they're using.. no matter how long the phone calls last.. it doesn't effect my credit.. my pulsa stays the same..

It's fun but a bit weird.. Vini even used it to call her parent on the land line, but still no cost..

Love my chip!

Now, the question is.. who should I call next? :P

Quotes of the day..

Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible consequences, quite apart from any fluctuations that went before—consequences that are hardly ever confined to ourselves.

George Eliot (1819-1880)

It's true.. been told by mom that S-i-L is messing up over and over again.. my reaction to that was totally out of control.. I know I dont have the right to say anything, but when I think of mom and dad, and also Q n A, I'm so ready to bring it on.. I dont wanna cross my line, somehow, but she's just too much.. I warned MB before about how things should be done, but they just simply following up their ego and not considering about others..

I understand that I'm not in that stage yet.. but at least I know how to compromise.. aren't they adult? aren't they growing up yet? If I was to give up, I wouldn't give a damn about what's going on.. but it involves mom n dad.. how am I suppose to ignore my mom n dad? I cant, no matter how hard I try.. Mom n Dad are the most two valuable in my life.. I wouldn't allow anyone hurting their feelings.. not even my sibling or his spouse.. I should take some time to think it over.. Hope I can find the best way to solve this shit..

It's a magic!

Have you ever really want something? badly! it's like you're using every hour, every minute and every second to look for it.. you're using every energy and try to make every effort you possibly do.. I have passed 2 chances before on 1995 and 1998.. 7 years ago I started this whole process again n came up with no result..

yesterday it came across my mind again so I wasted about 3 hours of my life to look for it.. again no result.. but this morning, out of nowhere, voilaaaa.. FOUND IT!!! I couldnt believe my eyes.. i thought i was dreaming.. i even pinch my cheek just to make sure that i really found it.. No, the fact: IT found me!

do you believe in magic? I dont.. but i started to question my believes now..

thank you.. thank you for finding me and make me at peace...